In the beginning all memories are given to us. For example, the scalpel cutting through fat and muscle to breech the chalice whereupon practiced hands would rend me from it lifting my pink squealing body into freedom. Lifeblood against white sheets a perfect metaphor for the great blizzard of seventy-eight reigning over the frozen world held within its white silence; affecting a world at end. Such was the omen of my birth.
Shortly afterward I am told of a scene inside a department store. A celebrity of witchcraft hailing from the Salem area tells my mother I'm absolutely beautiful and asks if she may hold me. While in her arms she blesses me, assuring my mother I am a special child. All accounts do indeed find me a perfect child; helpful, curious, smiling, well mannered, and thus continues my mother's narrative until round about my eleventh or twelfth year when she discovers I have been chasing after an authentic witchcraft.
By now you should know, as I learned, that the legends you've heard of an old time white witchcraft religion in Europe are false. Most of those calling themselves witches today, who, wishing to tie themselves to an ancient tradition of witchcraft won't ever admit it, but the only tradition there to draw on is the Devil's work. Each in their own way pays a price for their refusal to give the Devil his due. Anyone who has spent time among the anemic traditions of neo-paganism knows this is true, and will nod inwardly even as their trained tongues perform a litany of baseless protestations.
I bring this up because whoever's name she may have evoked in her blessing or even if it was a clichéd "bright blessings", I know full well whose bright light she blessed with. No matter what name she called on, or what she imagined she was doing, it was Old Scratch. This in itself may be something of a misnomer, perhaps purely the result of an Irish Catholic upbringing. Still it is undeniable that for some time the dominant mask worn by and at the heart of magic's great mystery has been that of the devil. How else do you explain a bit character becoming an equal to god? Become a symbol both tormenter and sympathetic cosmic rebel; a muse to great minds and artists. All this, though mostly digression, is a necessary aside to paint the atmosphere presiding over that moment where my narrative diverges from my mother's and whereupon memories become something seized and shaped rather than something given in full and fixed forms.
The Devil visited me late one night some years after the witch blessed me, careful not to wake this sleeping babe, he left by my side an illustrated children's bible. The bible was by most accounts normal, saving two details. The first was the tale of Job. Here the tale was altered slightly so that the primary message is of a Satan revealing to creation the monstrous nature of a God who is only too willing to crush utterly one of his most faithful believers and all to win an argument on which there was nothing at stake. The second was a chapter which can be found in neither biblical canon nor published apocrypha. Almost all the contents of this chapter are lost to my mind now but what I do recall is one of the accompanying illustrations: Lucifer and a host of Angels riding as a band of brothers on the backs of fiery steeds over the clouds and through the gates of paradise. Whether they were entering or leaving or whether there was ultimately a difference for that band was unclear, but it was glorious.
This chapter in particular caused a bit of a stir at the Catholic School I attended. We had religious instruction every day of course, but once a week it was under the tutelage of a parish priest. Shortly before my devil's annotated bible had shown up a priest new to the diocese took over our weekly instruction. Shortly after, he asked a question, or perhaps made a fishing sort of comment that prompted me to speak with an assumed authority born from the certainty that a priest would be familiar with every passage extant in my bible. One would think my line of questioning would set off alarms, and surely it seemed to vex the good Sister, but the young priest only ever encouraged my words and eventually entreated me to bring him my bible that he might see the illustration of which I so often spoke. Perhaps unsurprisingly when I went to fetch it that night the book had vanished. This however only seemed to excite the priest, who called my mother to suggest that I may be called to the vocation of the priesthood.
The good father departed shortly thereafter. On the day he was to leave he came by the classroom to give me a key to a small abandoned chapel in a quiet corner of the school. Excusing myself to go to the bathroom the next afternoon I found my way there. Behind the locked wooden door was a large stone chair. To a child as young as I was it was practically a love seat. Along its walls were damaged and shrouded statues carved in a cool grey stone depicting saints I had never before seen and whose names I am oath bound not to repeat. But who I swore that oath to, that is the real crux of this tale!
For this history the natural chronological progression coincides with the entrance of women who served as divine anima, heralding a stage in my development as both young man and black magician. This first flicker of consciousness then was the Goddess called Meredith. The day I first saw her is in many ways the most vivid of the days marked in my memory as belonging to her. In truth I must have seen her before that day as she had been a classmate the year before as well. But that morning beneath the cold crisscrossed shadows of the church and school building she seemed something new. Lined up by the Sisters into rows for attendance she looked back over her shoulder in such a way that even though I knew she was not really looking at me I felt trapped in her gaze. She was so alive in that instant that the sun, obscured by human edifice and thick rolling clouds, found a way to dance in her eyes. She seemed the only warm thing in the world, a last flame to keep the soul safe from frostbite.
The next several weeks saw me consumed by her topography. Her habits, mannerisms, friends, and yes even the contours of her hidden flesh were my fascination. Reasonably I was too young for such things, or just, the reasons have always been lost, but how I longed to adore her with seeking hands and questing lips. It was an education in persistence and a challenge with which to pass the drudgery of days; a month full of unreturned smiles, and of finding reasons to stand close to her. By the close of that month the classroom was all a flutter with gossip of my increasing brashness. The good Sister looked on nervously at the way my gaze lingered longer than it had a right to, but my baby fat not yet gone provided my intent a cherubic mask with which to disguise itself, and so I skated a thin line. Meredith spurned me at every turn. She would not even lower herself to give words to her repudiations; all she had to say was said with disapproving green eyes. Or at least this was the case when other eyes were upon us. There were times where she would smile in secret to me, and so I came to understand she enjoyed my chase even if it was just a game to her.
That game stopped midway through the first week of the next month. What I had learned in the previous month was to be grateful for her silence. Her tongue was sharp and she had a love of carving with it. One day one of our classmates said something to her, a petty barb in an inconsequential and ultimately forgettable squabble. My own tongue, a hungry predator sensing its quarry by instinct, proved quicker than Meredith’s. She laughed at my jab, salting their wound with her approval. From that day forward she invited me and my friends to take lunch with her and hers. She never ate anything aside from blood oranges, plain yogurt, and whole milk. On days I made the table roar at dispersions cast against the nuns she would feed me a bite of sweet juicy pulp dipped in the tart yogurt. Such a day was the one on which the teacher sent us to the front office on an errand where in the quiet of deserted halls I confided in her and produced from my pocket the priest’s black iron key. She of course demanded I show her the chapel at once.
We made every excuse to sneak away to that hidden place. Though to be honest it was not as if excuses were hard to come by. The chapel seemed to want us there and arranged it to be so. All these years later I would still swear that we were able to pass weeks together inside the chapel while only minutes passed in that other church. Outside the chapel we were a terror taking delight in harsh games we invented. Hidden away in the chapel, however, is where I came to know Meredith best. The recollection of her on the chapel throne is where my mind’s eye sees her loveliness most clearly: raven hair, olive skin, and catholic school dress. For me she is French, the language more than culture or country, and this is why, when I speak of it, it is always La Loge Noir, never The Black Lodge. She was arrogance, full lips dressing a scornful gaze. The way she moved betrayed no weakness. She loved to torment. We shared each other as a secret. How great a joy is a cruel woman who wishes only to be kind to you!
On the day I swore my oath to her she asked me what I thought about when I looked at her. With fumbling and imperfect words I spoke of curiosity and thirst. She took my hand in hers and sat me beside her on the throne. She told me I was different from the other boys. She told me she would never forsake me, and always call me friend in front of others, but also why what would come next must remain secret. I didn’t care. I had no need for the world to know, to pass the time with her was all I cared for. The rest of the world could burn. Still holding my hand she called me her boyfriend, whispering the word against my flushed cheek. It was then that we heard the stone saints for the first time. Marble lips whispering through aeons of a hunger. These Saints of the Pit encouraged us, told us where to look and what to touch. We were imperfect students, balking at much of what was said.
We did not kiss. Indeed our lips never met, though curious mouths did taste. Mostly necks, shoulders and collar bone. Much more like eating than kissing; small teeth tugging, tongues pressed flat against exposed and salted skin. Her hand stopped mine when it rose halfway up her thigh taking most of her pleated skirt with it. Where she stopped it she also urged me to squeeze the finely formed muscle of her leg and to feel the friction of our skin. It was the first time I ever felt strong. Ultimately it was simply the stuff of curious children awakening to the fullness of experience and desire. Nothing more debauched than the games of house and doctor played the world over. But buried beneath it was the stirring of two devils recognizing each other, trying to forget their timidity, if only for a moment’s indiscretion. Like the day when during a film, under cover of a darkened classroom, and beneath the trapezoidal desk she took my hand and placed it on her bare knee; the good Sister just a few feet from us. How easy it is to imagine those things I dreamt of doing to her and half whispered hints of what she might do to me would have shamed the devil. For what we did share, in occult places, in stolen moments, and sometimes beneath the nun-teacher's noses The Devil blessed and favored us; such was our wickedness.
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